Happy Anniversary

HAPPY 20TH ANNIVERSARY

CAPTAIN PLANET & THE PLANETEERS

Sexiest Food

GRAPES

By far the sexiest food out there is grapes.  Some of you may be scratching your heads like "grapes?!?!!" Yes, GRAPES muthafuckas!!!  This goes all the way back to the days of fat corrupt Roman Senators laying on couches in elegant marble atriums in long white robes being fed grapes on stems by their concubines.  Every since these images have been etched into our memory, grapes have become, and are the most seductive and sexy foods out there.  No matter how much of a fat disgusting slob you are, having grapes fed to you by a chick makes you a lot less repulsive.  Some of you are thinking, its not the food, its the girls feeding the food you jackass.  FALSE!!!  If you imagine a hott chick feeding some dude steak, or some lobster, or caviar, it does not brand the same baller ass image of a chick daintily holding the end of a grape stem as she lowers the grapes into the guys mouth.  That's why grapes are the sexiest food, and that is why I have a mini-fridge next to my futon stocked with red and purple grapes (o yea, red and purple grapes are much sexier than the green ones) so when a chick comes over she can feed me grapes as I lay down with one hand, and massage my hemorrhoids with Preparation-H with the other. SEEXXXIIIIEEEEEE!!!!

Anderson Cooper 360?!!?!!?!!

Call me a hater if you want, but I highly doubt the great-great-great-grandson of Cornelius Vanderbilt of the prominent Vanderbilt shipping fortune can do a 360 degree dunk on a 10 foot rim.  While Billy Hoyle did dunk at the end of "White Men Can't Jump", he didn't bust no muthafuckin' 360.  The X-Box game console has a better shot of doin' a 360 off vert than Anderson Cooper, and it's an inadament object!!   I'm callin' bullshit on you Anderson Cooper...

What It Is, What It Sounds Like

SHOWER HEAD

What It Is - A perforated nozzle that distributes the water over a large solid angle.

What It Sounds Like - A GREAT WAY TO START THE MORNING!!!!!

Class Action Suit

I am brining a Class Action suit against the times 11:11 am and 11:11 pm.  I have spent and wasted so much time watching the clock, waiting for 11:11 to hit, I make a wish and then... NOTHING!!!!  I don't expect the fruits of my wish to appear instantly, and I don't even make ridiculous perverted sexual wishes like I do on my birthday, or when I see a shooting star, like hoping my Raggedy Anne bed doll comes to life and gives me a rusty trombone until I blow a massive load which pulverizes Tinkerbell and glues her to my dartboard.  No, these are not the things I wish for at 11:11.  I make simple wishes like, wishing my left testicle didn't hang 4 inches lower than my right or, wishing I wasn't sexually aroused by 1980 L.A. Laker colored sock puppets, simply things like that.  But every time I wish, I wait, and I am disappointed.

That is why I have decided to bring this Class Action Suit.  We the people have been bamboozled and hoodwinked for too long by these Voodoo Gypsy Sirens known as 11:11 am and 11:11 pm.  If you have had your hopes built up by the 11:11's and then your dreams stolen, laughed at, and then shit on, call the Law Offices of the Nastradamus of Nonsense at 1-800-S-M-D-11-11. Se Hable Espanol...

Letter to Hydroxycut

Dear Hydroxycut,

FUUUUCK YOOOUUUU!!!!  Thanks a lot for taking chix who are slightly husky wit cute faces, a solid personality, and low self-esteem who I am 76% sure I could, and most importantly, would be willing to hook up with on black friday ("Black Friday" is every friday in my life, where i get so blacked out I could be pronounced legally dead in 24 states, D.C., and the Commonwealth of Puerto Rico, and then rise from the ashes 3 days later like the Jesus of Phoenix's), and converting them to chicks who are 30 lbs lighter, feel greater self-confidence and self-worth, and fall into the realm of chix where I don't know if it's worth the effort or embarrassment of approaching them and then getting shot down.  So fuck you Hydroxycut for reducing the number of "scoop & scores" in this world 11%.  Unless a chick needs Gastric-bypass then she needs to lose weight the old fashioned way... not losing weight and settling for a hideous disfigured freak who makes appearances on the Maury Povich show.  But I just wanted to pour salt into the wound since you've been recalled by the FDA, but that still doesn't make up for taking chunky monkey pussy-butter from my sack lunch if you know wut im sayin'?!?!?! In conclusion, FUCK YOU AND IM OUT... pause.

Sincerely,

The Nastradamus of Nonsense