Hip-Hop Quotable

"Blathering Blatherskite..."

FENTON CRACKSHELL/GIZMODUCK

Greediest Man Ever

GORDON GECCO

or

SCROOGE MCDUCK

Tic-Tac-Toe Record: 1985-Present

24 Wins

2 Losses

93,553,965 Ties

Braggadocious Japanese Businessman

Japanese Businessman: I don't give a fuck what those idiots think, I've got more new Yen than a Vietnamese phonebook! I can do whatever the hell I want!

First Team All-American Teachers

Louanne Johnson - Dangerous Minds

Trevor Garfield - One Eight Seven

Jonathan Shale - The Substitute

Jaime Escalante - Stand and Deliver

Richard Clark - High School High

First Team All-American Principals

Richard Belding - Saved By The Bell

George Feeny - Boy Meets World

Steven Harper - Boston Public

Joe Clark - Lean on Me

Seymour Skinner - The Simpsons

Walt Disney Classic Case of Stockholm Syndrome

I am sick and tired of people saying how beautiful of a love story "Beauty and the Beast" is and how sweet and pure hearted Bell was for seeing the true beauty of the Beast which nobody else could see. FUUUUCCCKKK THAAATTT!!!  What I got from this horrible movie was a teenage girl who got Stockholm Syndrome and fell for her kidnapper.  Only hollywood and Walt Disney could brainwash America and turn a paradoxical psychological phenomenon wherein a hostage expresses adulation or positive feelings towards their captor into a supposedly "classic" love story and the first animated movie ever to receive an Oscar nod for Best Picture.

Lets just say this were real life, and a big 6'7" hairy Dominican dude with a thick accent kidnapped a white man for trespassing, freed him in exchange to take his white teenage virgin daughter hostage, she eventually falls in love with him, and then a group of white men attempt to storm his mansion to free the girl and were killed by the Dominican dude in the process, the police would be sticking the lethal injection needle in Ricardo's vein before they even read him his Miranda Rights.  Plus the police would not believe that Dominican Ricardo could afford a mansion through legitimate means and would suspect he was a drug dealer. Even if they didn't have any evidence to the contrary, I'm sure the fine boys in blue would have no problem planting a brick of Yayo on Ricardo to make the case sweeter and stick.

Moreover, even IF the girl did say she loved him and didn't want him to go to jail, everyone in society would say she's young, she doesn't know what she's talking about and she's been brainwashed.  But Walt Disney throws a blue tux on Sabertooth from X-Men, and has some candle-sticks and tea-pots singing and dancing and Whalaahh, it's the greatest love story ever told!!!  Besides the awful message in this movie, the adult-content alone warranted a Showgirls NC-17 rating. Get your head out of your asses Motion Picture Association of America.

Old MacDonald and Nelly in the Studio

Studio Engineer:  Ok, let's try this again from the top. Go ahead whenever you're ready Old MacDonald.
Old MacDonald: Old MacDonald had a farm.
Nelly: Andele andele mami E-I E-I Uh-Ohhhhhhh, wh...
Studio Engineer: Cut cut cut!  Nelly, for the 100th time, Old MacDonald goes "Old MacDonald had a farm", and then you come in and JUST say "E-I-E-I-O". We don't need all the andele's, the mami, or the Uh or the elongated O.  All we need is "E-I-E-I-O". Got it?
Nelly: Gotcha. My bad Derrty.
Old MacDonald: We know it's your bad. You're wastin' my time, and my time is money playa. Let's hurry up and lay this track right 'cuz I got some chicks back at my farm and they waitin' for the big cock to come home to roost, ya dig?!!

Arizona SB 1070

              GO DIEGO GO      DORA THE EXPLORER

 

I don't know what Dora the Explorer or Go Diego Go's travel or exploration plans are this winter, but if they make their way to Arizona I hope they have their citizenship or traveling papers with them because that state don't take too kindly to Brown folk.  And Dora and Diego, if you guys do get stopped by the police and they ask for your ID, I do not recommend going Ice Cube in Higher Learning and saying "no, let me so yo ID!" and point a flashlight in their face.  But if you do get stopped, don't have your papers, and the situation looks bleek, then I do recommend you do what Ice Cube told Omar Epps in Higher Learning and "run ni99a run".

Ohhhh, I Thought You Meant...

 

Bob: Good evening, I'm Bob Vanzant and thanks for tuning in to the KCAL 5 news at 10.  We have breaking news with regards to the 33 trapped Miners in Chile and are going to take you to our field correspondent Karen who is live at the rescue site. Karen, are you there?
Karen: Hi Bob. Yes, the scene here is pure enthusiasm and joy as the last of the Chilean Miners is making his way to the surface.  However, I must point out that there is a contingency of Catholic Priests who showed up here and appeared somewhat disappointed when the Chilean Miners were finally rescued.
Bob: Did you say Catholic Priests Karen? And do you have any idea why they were disappointed?
Karen: Yes, that's right Bob, Catholic Priests.  I spoke with a few of them and apparently they had shown up to the site thinking there were 33 male Chilean "Minors" trapped underground. The Priests eventually welcomed and embraced the recently rescued Miners, but only after they turned their backs to close their pants-fly zippers.

Cartoon Yearbook: Most Likely To Succeed

Stewie Griffin Killing Lois

or

Pinky and The Brain Taking Over the World

Hip-Hop Quotable

"... I say fuck you Jobu. I do it myself!"

PEDRO CERRANO

Congratulations, It's A...

MS. GOLLUM

GIRL!!! I bet you didn't know that Gollum, the artist formerly known as Smeagol, from Lord of the Rings is a woman.  Yes, that's right, that thinning haired, crooked toothed, pot-bellied and flat chested 7 year old Benjamin Button looking ghoulish thing in Lord of the Rings is a woman. While no DNA tests have been performed to confirm Gollum's sex, the only living creature that obsessed with forcing or tricking a guy to give it a ring is a 38 year old woman dying to get married and whose biological clock is ticking with only 2 fertile eggs left to make a baby and shut-up her judgmental and nagging mother obsessed with having a grandchild.  Biting off a guys finger and jumping into an active volcano to get a ring is nothing compared to what most women are willing to do.

Cartoon Crackheads

Winnie the Pooh - Honey

Monterey Jack - Cheese

The Cookie Monster - Cookies

Whimpy - Hamburgers

Glen Quagmire - Pussy

Ms. Piggy - Frog Cock

ScarFace-Off

MAINO

vs.

OMAR LITTLE

O.G. Sex Addict

Pepé Le Pew

Hip-Hop Quotable

"You shall not harm Harry Potter!!"

DOBBY the HOUSE ELF

Greatest Wingman Ever

       CAL NAUGHTON JR.                  LT. NICK "GOOSE" BRADSHAW

 or 

TRICK QUESTION!!  THE ANSWER IS....

L.A. LAKERS COLOR COMMENTATOR

STU LANTZ

Drunken Conversation With Judge Lance Ito

Me: Hey, wait a minute man, I know you. Didn't you co-pilot the Millennium Falcon with Lando Calrissian during the Battle of Endor in Star Wars: Return of the Jedi??  What's your name man??
Judge Ito: First off you fucking idiot, that was a movie. Second of all, it supposedly happened a long long time ago in a galaxy far far away so if it did in fact happen, it would've occurred before I was alive and in a totally different galaxy.  And the person you're thinking of is Nien Nunb, and I get that all the time.

Movie Mash Up

      THE DARK KNIGHT             BLACK KNIGHT

                + = ...

THE DARK BLACK KNIGHT 

starring

WESLEY SNIPES

THE PRESTIGE

You cannot tell me that Kirk Gibson and Kurt Rambis are not the same dude.  I swear they went all "The Prestige" on the world before Hugh Jackman and Christian Bale actually starred in "The Prestige" ("The Prestige" is actually a very delightful and entertaining movie I must say.  I give it a Big Hairy Nastradamus of Nonsense Nutsack Down. My testicles hang low like the ball at the start of a tetherball game.).  Therefore, the man who hit the game winning homer for the Dodgers in game 1 of the 1988 World Series is the same dude who was diving on the floor for loose balls and grabbing rebounds and outletting them to Earvin "Tragic" Johnson during the 80's Showtime Laker days.  Oh Kirk and Kurt, you may have the world fooled but not I.  I swear, if you go to the Old Great Western Forum or Dodger Stadium, you'll find cloned bodies of Rambis and Gibson underneath the stadiums in vast tanks of water. (If you have not seen "The Prestige", this post would've made no sense to you.  If you are one of those people, then I'd say rent it, mainly to see Scarlett Johansen's big milky white cleavage.  While you're at it pick up "The Illusionist" to stare at Jessica Biel's glorious Jim Henson sweater-puppets).

Best Reality Show Host

RYAN SEACREST

OR

DAVID "FUTURE" PORTER

Ultimate Battle of Wits

            

T-PAIN                   vs.          GLORIA CLEMENTE

T-Pain: All I do is win win win no matter what.
Gloria Clemente: Sometimes when you win, you really lose.
T-Pain: But all I do is win win win no matter what.
Gloria Clemente: Sometimes when you lose, you really win.
T-Pain: Like I said, all I do is win win win no matter what.
Gloria Clemente: Sometime when you win or lose you actually tie.
T-Pain: Bitch, did you not hear me?!?!! All I do is win win win no matter what!!!!
Gloria Clemente: Sometimes when you tie, you actually win or lose.
T-Pain:  Fuck it, I give up!!